Friday, December 27, 2013

More Werewolf Facts

More werewolf facts from The Werewolf vs the Vampire Woman.

  • The thinner the air is, the more dangerous a werewolf.
  • A werewolf only turns into a werewolf on New Years Eve.
  • On New Years Eve, a werewolf can teleport wherever he most wants to go.  Waldo most wants to go to a train men's room.
  • A werewolf can put an aura over things, making them nearly invisible.
  • Werewolves have limited clairvoyance, and can sometimes know what someone is about to say.
  • Werewolves are born werewolves, despite that bit earlier with the orgasms.
  • A werewolf can only be cured with true love.

Thursday, December 26, 2013

C.A.D.S. 01

C.A.D.S. 01
John Sievert
Zebra 1985

Post-nuclear action sci-fi largely in the Survivalist mold.  Set in the near future, a military team in battlesuits and nuclear dune buggies cross America to save the president in his underground bunker.
400 pages is usually way too long for this kind of thing, but lucky for us we get twice as much content instead of padding.  As the story is mostly the CADS team wiping out insane rape gangs, we get twice as many rape gangs.

People turn to barbarism pretty quick in these books, but CADS has to have a new record.  The protagonist's girlfriend stops her car on the freeway to watch the mushroom cloud rise, only to turn around to a hillbilly asking her if city girls indulge in the difficult brown, so to speak.

Good violent pulpy fun.  My only complaint is one doesn't get a good visual sense of what these battlesuits look like.  In some instances they seem like slim exoskeletons, in others bulky full cover mechs.  I kept visualizing them as the soldiers from Cameron Hodge's The Right.

Thursday, December 19, 2013

I'm Gonna Spend My Christmas With a Dalek

I get my Christmas wish - that hollow-faced Teletubby out of the Tardis and off my TV.  Maybe Cryptkeeper Willie will make Dr. Who watchable again.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Mysterious Wu Fang 4 - The Case of the Suicide Tomb

Mysterious Wu Fang 4 - The Case of the Suicide Tomb
by Robert J Hogan
Mysterious Wu Fang 12/1935

Wu Fang is a Fu Manchu clone, down to the moustache.  He has an army of seductive femme fatales, mindless henchmen, and maybe a gorilla.  He's bred rat lizard creatures that eat out his victim's stomachs, and he's in Arizona to seek out a white bat that spreads a plague  that turns its victims bones purple and cause them to bash their heads into the nearest wall.

Hogan doesn't do a great job recapping for new readers.  The good guys for the series seem to be newspaper reporter Jerry Hazard and government agent Val Kildare.  Supporting characters include a newsie Cappie and Mohra, the love interest.

It plays out like a Republic serial, down to the cliffhanger between chapters.  Hogan reuses way too many plot elements.  Everybody is saved by having another character walk in at just the right moment, and three of Fang's fatales pretend to ask for help escaping his clutches.

The racism isn't as bad as it could have been, with only a Chinese cook talking all thankee vely solly.  For some reason all the Mexican characters exclaim in French.  What annoyed me more is the warning in the Wildside Press edition, which warn that they may not be
"'politically correct' by current standards"
Most of the recent pulp reprints have a similar warning, but this one seems a little snide.  Like this whole "not calling Asians yellow slant-eyed devils" thing is just some silly passing fad.

Monday, December 2, 2013

The Werewolf vs the Vampire Woman - Chapter One

The Werewolf vs the Vampire Woman
by Arthur M. Scarm (aka Leo Guild)
Guild-Hartford Publishing 1972

Allegedly a novelization of the Paul Naschy film, reads like a third graders school report, after not seeing the movie, and google translated from a foreign language.
"Perhaps I should first tell you what a werewolf is like.  It was never adequately been described even by a werewolf's bride."
Yeah, this is going to be rough.
"The most frightening characteristic of a werewolf is that he is completely unreliable."
Our werewolf, Waldo, is a suave, urbane werewolf, and currently dead of a silver bullet.

Werewolf Fact #1: Werewolves don't bleed, they ooze.

Werewolf Fact #2: If you kill a werewolf with a silver bullet, and then remove the bullet, the werewolf comes back to life.

Just this happens to Waldo, who proceeds to kill a coroner and rape his assistant.

Werewolf Fact #3: Werewolves like beautiful naked women more than non-werewolves.

The assistant, Ruth, then falls for Waldo, as this is an attempt at a sex farce.

Meanwhile in Paris, two female medical students are working on a thesis about the queen of the vampires.  The two students dream about finding her, becoming rich, and finding husbands.

Vampire Fact #1: You can't tell a vampire by their fingerprints.  You tell by their hollow eye teeth.

Waldo was listening in to the students, somehow, and follows them.

Werewolf Fact #4: Werewolves hate vampires.

Waldo pretends to be a tour guide and helps the students dig randomly in a graveyard.  They find a pirate treasure chest and sell the jewels in eleven pawn shops.

Ruth shows up, somehow, and joins the others in digging up graveyards.  But first, they decide to have a party with some doctors and nurses.

The students paid for everyone to have fancy clothes.  The party is crashed by a vampire woman, Blossom Time, who thinks there is a werewolf there.  Blossom Time tries to stab Waldo with a poison needle, but is kicked into the air, and the needle jabs into her own chin.

Vampire Fact #2: Vampires can be poisoned to death, apparently.

Vampire Fact #3: When a vampire dies, a dark red letter "V" appears on their forehead.

Waldo steps away from the party to have sex with the two students, which makes Ruth jealous.

Werewolf Fact #5: Werewolves don't have orgasms because they're made, not born

Waldo and the girls finish the party and go to a hotel.  Ruth is still jealous so she calls the police.

Werewolf Fact #6: Being a werewolf is against the law in most countries.

Waldo chases off the cops, piles the girls up, and has sex with all three at once.  Literally at once, like shish kabobs.  Scarm knows as much about sex and basic anatomy as he does about werewolves and vampires.

Waldo explains that he does not like the vampire queen Wanda because Wanda's great granddaughter once bit him.

Werewolf Fact #7: Werewolves can enter people's dreams

Werewolf Fact #8: Werewolves have a duty to frighten people

One of the girls doubts Waldo is a real werewolf, so he rubs his stomach and made her breasts shrink.

Werewolf Fact #9: Werewolves can make ladies' breast shrink.

The four camp in the woods, and Waldo makes an occult incantation while swinging the woman over the campfire, which make her breasts come back.

Thus ends Chapter One.  The whole mess is available at Ramble House.