Monday, December 2, 2013

The Werewolf vs the Vampire Woman - Chapter One

The Werewolf vs the Vampire Woman
by Arthur M. Scarm (aka Leo Guild)
Guild-Hartford Publishing 1972

Allegedly a novelization of the Paul Naschy film, reads like a third graders school report, after not seeing the movie, and google translated from a foreign language.
"Perhaps I should first tell you what a werewolf is like.  It was never adequately been described even by a werewolf's bride."
Yeah, this is going to be rough.
"The most frightening characteristic of a werewolf is that he is completely unreliable."
Our werewolf, Waldo, is a suave, urbane werewolf, and currently dead of a silver bullet.

Werewolf Fact #1: Werewolves don't bleed, they ooze.

Werewolf Fact #2: If you kill a werewolf with a silver bullet, and then remove the bullet, the werewolf comes back to life.

Just this happens to Waldo, who proceeds to kill a coroner and rape his assistant.

Werewolf Fact #3: Werewolves like beautiful naked women more than non-werewolves.

The assistant, Ruth, then falls for Waldo, as this is an attempt at a sex farce.

Meanwhile in Paris, two female medical students are working on a thesis about the queen of the vampires.  The two students dream about finding her, becoming rich, and finding husbands.

Vampire Fact #1: You can't tell a vampire by their fingerprints.  You tell by their hollow eye teeth.

Waldo was listening in to the students, somehow, and follows them.

Werewolf Fact #4: Werewolves hate vampires.

Waldo pretends to be a tour guide and helps the students dig randomly in a graveyard.  They find a pirate treasure chest and sell the jewels in eleven pawn shops.

Ruth shows up, somehow, and joins the others in digging up graveyards.  But first, they decide to have a party with some doctors and nurses.

The students paid for everyone to have fancy clothes.  The party is crashed by a vampire woman, Blossom Time, who thinks there is a werewolf there.  Blossom Time tries to stab Waldo with a poison needle, but is kicked into the air, and the needle jabs into her own chin.

Vampire Fact #2: Vampires can be poisoned to death, apparently.

Vampire Fact #3: When a vampire dies, a dark red letter "V" appears on their forehead.

Waldo steps away from the party to have sex with the two students, which makes Ruth jealous.

Werewolf Fact #5: Werewolves don't have orgasms because they're made, not born

Waldo and the girls finish the party and go to a hotel.  Ruth is still jealous so she calls the police.

Werewolf Fact #6: Being a werewolf is against the law in most countries.

Waldo chases off the cops, piles the girls up, and has sex with all three at once.  Literally at once, like shish kabobs.  Scarm knows as much about sex and basic anatomy as he does about werewolves and vampires.

Waldo explains that he does not like the vampire queen Wanda because Wanda's great granddaughter once bit him.

Werewolf Fact #7: Werewolves can enter people's dreams

Werewolf Fact #8: Werewolves have a duty to frighten people

One of the girls doubts Waldo is a real werewolf, so he rubs his stomach and made her breasts shrink.

Werewolf Fact #9: Werewolves can make ladies' breast shrink.

The four camp in the woods, and Waldo makes an occult incantation while swinging the woman over the campfire, which make her breasts come back.

Thus ends Chapter One.  The whole mess is available at Ramble House.

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